The first few days after my second chemo cycle —this was a while ago!, remember I am already in cycle three—, I wore a motion-sickness electronic device to prevent nausea. Given how bad my nausea was during the first chemo cycle, I was willing to try any gadget that would help me avoid going back to the same dark place, and this device seemed a good idea.
I took the device, put it around my right wrist and kept it on for a few days. At first, all went well, but then it began to bother me. My skin got irritated and my forearm got slightly swollen. So, I did the logical thing to do: I freaked out.
That is my chemo-infusion arm (a/k/a the arm being used for the IV) and I can’t afford to mess it up! —I thought to myself. Then, I broke down in tears, a little fed up with having perspective, life insights and the entire notion of style.
I am just tired of being a patient… —I cried, as my thirteen-year old held me. I am tired of the little things that begin to fall apart!
Why don’t you write about it? —she said in her full teen-wisdom.
So, here I am, staring at the computer screen, asking myself what is bothering me so much.
As I think about it, I realize it is not the swollen arm, the irritated skin or the pain. It is the lack of C-O-N-T-R-O-L. All the little things that happen without warning reinforce the fact that, in this cancer/chemo matter, there are very few things where I am am really calling the the shots. Yet, I am the one suffering the consequences. Where is the fairness in that?!
Someone once told me I can't go through life always looking for the fairness in things. I don't like it, but there may be a point in that. Truth is that there is no fairness in cancer or chemo. The whole thing (including swollen forearms and side effects) flat out sucks. And, at times, it's hard to find the silver lining (or at least the silver lining is not easily on sight).
So, my take-away on this one goes like this: from time to time, whether for a few minutes, a few hours or a little longer, I may need to fall apart. And, when that happens, it is OK (for a little bit) to go about things without style.
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