By the end of week one of my first chemo cycle, nausea had gradually faded away and I thought to myself (again…) Alright, I got this! I am ready for some exercise!
I got out of bed, brushed my teeth, changed into (not particularly stylish) athletic gear and energetically marched upstairs. Hmmmm…
When I got to the main level of our home, I was E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D. All I could feel was weakness in my legs, and I had to sit down to let my heart rate stabilize. Sigh…
I was surprised but didn’t make much of it. Yet, it took me an hour (yes, a full hour) to recover. Eventually, Carol, who was still taking care of me, helped me get my act together and we left for a walk. It was a sunny day, the air smelled clean and sweet and I felt happy.
Carol and I had barely walked a block when I noticed my heart rate had gone up again. I felt a pinching, air-craving pain in my chest and I knew it would be a short walk. I looked at Carol and said: I am done. Then I broke down in tears in the middle of the street.
How could this be happening? I had walked only one block and had no physical strength or will power to keep going. Was this my new normal?
Carol held me as I kept sobbing. Then she said: It’s OK. It’s only for now.
We walked back home (which technically means I had managed to walk a grand total of two blocks) and then sat at the dining room table, right where we had first started…
The next day, I went out again and managed to walk a few blocks, and a day later I added a few more. By the end of the second week I was going on four-mile walks, and the one-block incident seemed ages back in the past...
This got me thinking about my new normal... Perhaps a better way to frame it is in terms of my normal for now.
I keep getting polarized on the all-or-nothing view of the world, when in fact this normal is neither permanent, nor static. The truth is that, as I navigate this chemo journey, my normal is fluid and goes through cyclical ups and downs.
Somedays there will be no walks and others, I will have more energy. And with each walk my normal will evolve and (hopefully) move up. It will be gradual and it won't be linear.
One cycle at a time. One day at a time. One block at a time.
Opmerkingen