The night after my first chemo-session, I woke up around 1:00 am. I felt a sudden rush of heat running through my body, and a river of thoughts invaded my mind. It must be a hot flash. Is this menopause? It’s the chemo side effects. Wow…already?
I was wearing long PJs and a long-sleeve t-shirt. So, I took a step back from my chemo-induced waterfall of thoughts. Maybe I am just feeling hot? A few years ago I had gone with a similar episode to my OBGYN’s nurse practitioner, and told her I thought I was having early hot flashes. She looked at me and said: Are you sure you are not just feeling hot? Have you tried removing a blanket or taking your nightgown off?
As I was self-diagnosing my chemo-induced sudden menopause and hot flashes in my sleep, the nurse practitioner's voice came back to me. Are you sure you are not just feeling hot? I got rid of the blanket, took the long-sleeve t-shirt off and changed into short PJs. Just like that, the heat was gone.
This got me thinking...
Confirmation bias is a fascinating thing. We tend to interpret events in ways that support our fears and beliefs. Case in point: Chemo forces women into early menopause and menopause tends to trigger hot flashes. I had my first round of chemo (hmmm…less than twenty-four hours ago!), and I suddenly feel hot. It must be a hot flash from my overnight-triggered menopause! In my head, it all made sense. But it actually didn't...
Truth is that it only took a few small steps to reality-check my assumptions and see for myself whether those assumptions held any truth.
I stayed awake for a while, trying to relax and also trying to connect with what I was feeling. It was still the anxiety of the unknown. I had successfully gone through my first chemo session —that, was no longer an unknown— but had no visibility (no first-hand experience) of the side effects. Those remained (and still remain) very much unknown to me. And I will only get to know them if and when they occur.
I fell asleep and the alarm went off at 6:30am. I stared at the ceiling for a few seconds. Do I feel nauseous? Is there a chunk of hair on my pillow? Am I feeling menopausal hot? No, no, and no. The anxiety was (and is) still there but I did a reality-check and, at least today, the answer to all three questions is no.
So, if you are reading this train of thought and you or someone you love will be going through chemo, here’s my take-away: gather information about the experience of other chemo patients IF you find it helpful, BUT use the information wisely and treat it as a mere point of reference of what may happen. Then, embark in your own chemo-journey. Take a step back, contrast the point of reference with your actual experience, and make your chemo-journey (and its side effects) truly your own.
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