Days one, two and three of the first chemo cycle —that is, the actual chemo day and the following two— went pretty well. I was energized and could almost feel the drugs running through my veins —strange feeling, I must say. I was in a good mood and even went to the gym for my usual work-out.
Alright… I got this! —I thought to myself. This is why Dr. K. keeps saying I will handle chemo just fine. I can definitely do this for six cycles!
Then came day four and, by lunch time, I knew things were changing…
Nausea was gradually kicking in and I barely finished lunch at our usual café. As an experiment (and also out of stubbornness) I ordered my traditional afternoon chocolate cake (and ate it!). Not a smart idea… By dinner time, I was officially not feeling well. Then, days five, six and seven came, and they flat out sucked.
I will skip the play-by-play, but let’s just put it this way: nausea evolved into a constant someone-please-stop-rocking-the-boat feeling and, to add insult to injury, I was hijacked by an army of food-poisoning symptoms —you know, body soreness, weakness, chills, and cold sweat. Mad runs to the bathroom followed shortly, only to crawl right back in bed and sleep.
Anxiety invaded me again...
How could this be happening? In my mind, based on days one, two and three, I had decided this chemo-journey would be nausea-free, discomfort-free and sickness-free. Isn’t that why I started my chemo-with-style blog, after all?
Now, against my mental plans, the nausea, the rocking boat and the chills were slapping me in the face and confronting me with the truth: I am human!
This got me thinking deeper… Maybe the issue is the all-or-nothing approach.
They say the truth lies somewhere in the middle and I may have lost sight of that. In an effort to be as far as possible from the chemo-means-falling-apart myth, I might have created a pipe dream of my own, where my chemo journey would be all energy and style. Yet, in doing so, I forgot that the fundamental tenet of my chemo journey is to put my own —real time and not made up in a vacuum— spin to things. My own style.
So, now what?
Well... I will embrace my humanity, neither surrendering to the myth, nor falling for the pipe dream, and explore the middle road in between. I can walk this walk with a good attitude, but I cannot mentally dictate how it will all play out. And, while it is OK to choose not to fall apart, I am beginning to accept this walk (chemo and beyond) will have its ups and downs.
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